Falling Upward: Exploring the Two Halves of Life and a Vocation to the Ministry of Education by Michael Bennett

The American monk, priest, and spiritual teacher Thomas Merton once commented that “People may spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall.” What follows is a reflection on a personal spiritual journey of growth and self-discovery, which led the author to a profound realization that the ladder he had climbed was indeed leaning against the wrong wall. This, in turn, brought about a dramatic change in direction of vocation, leading to an experience of what Richard Rohr has called “falling upward” and a transition into a spirituality that sought the second half of life.

First-Half-of-Life Spirituality

Merton and Rohr describe the spiritual life as a journey of two halves. The first half of the spiritual life is concerned with what the ego needs to do to create its structure. One’s ego-structure is the container that one makes to achieve a place in the world. The ego creates stability, enabling individuals to gain status and establish a stake in the world. In the first half of life, the ego creates our identity and allows us to be someone; it is often the mask we wear that makes us believe we are superior to others. This is not a bad thing, as humans need the ego to create an identity that they can ultimately outgrow.

The Trappist monk Thomas Keating taught that the “ego is a constructed identity based on external factors, thoughts, and feelings—a story of who we are that the mind constantly repeats.” The ego is what gives our identity its shape. Yet he goes on to suggest that the ego is not the true self; indeed, it often prevents one from reaching a stage of self-actualization, as the container we create satisfies our human desire for superiority and status—which in and of itself is not a bad thing, as long as we realize that this must be outgrown and outlived. Again, the role of the first stage of life is to create a solid ego structure. The task of the second half of life is to allow it to die so that the true self can be resurrected.

The first 18 years of my 28-year spiritual journey, during which I spent time creating my ego structure, followed the pattern outlined by Merton. I was hungry for success. After two years, I was a second-in-command in the department for education, with responsibilities for behavior management at the middle-school level and curriculum at the high-school level, as well as serving as a mentor for newly qualified teachers.

Within five years, I was the head of transition, working with twelve feeder schools, attending meetings with heads and deputy heads, local education authorities, and senior members of the diocese. I was consulting on key school documents and attending senior leadership and governors meetings.

At this stage in my journey, I was working towards my first master’s degree, as this would give me the edge when applying for the senior leadership team (SLT). Within eight years, I gained my first head of department, and by ten years, my second in a larger, more challenging school. My eyes were firmly fixed on SLT; I wanted to be an assistant head teacher. My results were generally high. In official inspections and reports, I was judged as an outstanding leader of religious education. I was committed to extracurricular activities, leading residential retreats and pilgrimages to Lourdes. As much as I loved the students in my care and was certain of my vocation, I was not happy, my eyes firmly fixed on the next goal. I was rapidly climbing the ladder. Fifteen years into my career, I was on the SLT; by seventeen years, I was a deputy head teacher. My ego-structure was almost complete—achieving in seventeen years what many in education never get to do! It was a time of outstanding achievement and fulfilment, a testament to the hard work and dedication I had put into my career.

The first half of my life as a teacher was about creating my identity. My formation for the permanent diaconate was, on reflection, part and parcel of the same egocentric journey. “Reverend Mike” was going to be another mask to wear. In his book Falling Upward, Rohr stresses that the egoic journey of the first half of life is necessary. I see the first eighteen years of my life as a teacher as a period where my ego was in complete control of my desire for promotion, which I saw as a necessary part of my vocational story. Yet I thank God that it was not the final act. Rohr states that in the spiritual life, one of the primary learning tools is “necessary suffering.” This experience causes the ego to destabilize from its position of superiority. In this experience, suffering leads to growth, even symbolic death, which ultimately leads to an understanding of the resurrection and the second stage of life. It is important to remember that suffering is not a sign of failure, but a necessary part of the journey towards spiritual growth.

Second-Half-of-Life Spirituality

Suppose the construction of the ego marks the first half of life. The second stage of life is characterized by its deconstruction. This, in many cases, is initiated by some experience of necessary suffering. Sitting at the top of one’s ladder as a deputy head, I began to feel that I was not in the right place, which caused much suffering, as in my mind, my journey so far in education had all been leading to such a position. In the situation, I had the respect of the staff. I was trusted, even in difficult conversations. Yet something was not right. And this caused great pain. The mark of my earlier vocation was that I spent time with children, as mentioned previously, on retreat, pilgrimage, and teaching ju-jitsu. As deputy, this was missing. While I still had a significant teaching commitment—twelve periods a week—I was teaching outside of religious education for most of this; was I not first called by God to be a teacher of the subject I loved? This was causing me much anxiety. While I loved the leadership aspects of teaching, learning, and curriculum, my passion was leading Catholic Life. Yet the most significant suffering came from the realization that I had climbed the wrong ladder. What once gave me great pleasure and certainty of vocation had been traded for an ego structure, which sought superiority. My values had not changed, yet the way I lived them had! It was a time of discernment, a time to reflect on my journey and make decisions that would lead me towards a more fulfilling vocation.

Blessed Julian of Norwich, in her classic spiritual work Revelations of Divine Love, talks about the spiritual life by stating that “first there is the fall, then there is the recovery from the fall. And both are the mercy of God.” The “fall” refers to the damage to the ego, when the structure and identity we create for ourselves are damaged; the recovery is when we allow ourselves to let the ego created in the first half of life die and enable the mercy of God to lead us into resurrection and the creation of a new container—one that will enable us to be less worried by superiority and identity and more concerned with living life to the fullest through our vocation.

My transition from the first half of my vocation was not an easy one, as I had to endure what seemed like the humiliation of stepping away from SLT and the financial reward and status it offered. Yet, I had to do so in the process of seeking out a new identity and letting the old self die. My principal at this time could see my internal struggle and was kind and compassionate, encouraging me to reflect on how I could fulfill both my natural human desires to be successful and remain faithful to my vocation.

This was my first step into the second stage of spirituality. Through this process of discernment and prayer, I came to the realization that my gift was to remain in leadership, yet to do so with the single focus of Catholic Life. Thus, having to leave the position of deputy head to grow into something different.

The Role of Discernment (or the Lack of It) in Catholic Education

With the support of my spiritual director, I was encouraged to discern what was to be my true vocation in education. This was a difficult task, which forced me to look inward, ask difficult questions, and decide what needed to be let go of. It was a shame that it took much pain and suffering to do this; yet, as Rohr suggests, no one willingly enters into suffering: one needs to fall into it! I am thus convinced that there is an urgent need for both spiritual direction and programs that support staff discernment in Catholic schools. These programs offer practitioners the chance to engage in dialogue with trained spiritual directors, enabling them to discern the best path forward.

Throughout my career, I have completed multiple programs designed to aid my advancement, including the National Professional Qualification for Middle Leadership and the National Professional Qualification for Senior Leadership, as well as two master’s degrees. There was value in most of these, yet nothing more valuable than the time and space to enter into a process of growth. This is where the real work is needed. I also encourage school leaders to consider how they are developing their staff. The desire to want something is not in itself the best motivation. With a spiritual practice to discern if that particular thing is right, the task of climbing the ladder will pay much greater dividends. In my school, we have a formation program that covers all members of the community and is a model of best practice for continued spiritual development, as it seeks to allow staff to enter into the process of discernment.

Conclusion: The Fall Upward

My “fall” from the elevated position of deputy head was painful, yet necessary. It was a fall upward, the death of one thing to the resurrection of another. It shattered my ego container, yet it allowed me to work on creating something new and different. I would invite everyone in Catholic education to look at their own ego structure and discern their current state, encouraging them not to fear transition and change. The fall is often upward.

Rev. Dcn. Michael Bennett is currently working on his doctoral thesis on religious education. In addition to his role as a director of Catholic Life, he is also a deacon in a Salesian parish in North Liverpool, UK. 

Image: Jean Wimmerlin / Unsplash